Avoiding his wrath

(Stephen Colbert portrait by Todd Lockwood available on Laughing Squid.)

Looks like Charleston has narrowly avoided a dangerous brush with easily offended (and extremely dangerous) native son Stephen Colbert.

In last week's print edition, I suggested that the S.C. Aquarium had missed a trick by not including a nod to Colbert in its online "Name our Eagle" contest. The contest offered four names (Austina, Halie, Liberty and Saluda), which prompted me to observe...

What, only four choices? What kind of lazy poll is that? Let’s add a write-in candidate and make it a proper five, shall we?

Bert: Pronounced “Bear,” and short for comedian Stephen Colbert, a favorite son of the Lowcountry who is going to be absolutely furious when he finds out that his hometown aquarium is naming an American eagle after someone other than him.

This afternoon the S.C. Aquarium got on board with the idea and sent out this press release:

Aquarium responds to accusations of offending Stephen Colbert
Aquarium issue’s write in candidate ‘bert for American bald eagle naming contest

Charleston, S.C. — Tuesday, June 17, 2008 — Due to overwhelming commentary, South Carolina Aquarium officials announce the addition of a last-minute write-in candidate for the Aquarium's American bald eagle naming contest, "Fishing for a Name". The suggested name, 'bert (pronounced BEAR) was requested in honor of Stephen Colbert, Charleston native, host of Comedy Central's "Colbert Report" and self-proclaimed "personification of America". Aquarium officials note remarkable similarities between the American bald eagle and Mr. Colbert, among them, the American bald eagle is one of the original symbols of the United States of America, and Stephen Colbert acknowledges that he is America. Additionally the American bald eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus) and Colbert both have their names chronically mispronounced.

Aquarium President & CEO, Kevin Mills offers a public apology and explanation for the Aquarium’s original neglect to include Colbert in the naming contest: “Initially we considered naming the eagle in honor of Mr. Colbert, but were concerned that such an association might lead the eagle to develop an elevated sense of self, and attempt to leave to start a competing Aquarium on its own”.

The public can now honor Colbert through July 4th by visiting scaquarium.org to cast their vote for ‘bert, or link to McDonaldsCharleston.com to vote for one of the four original submissions... Once you vote, you may download a coupon for an exclusive buy-one adult, get-one child free discount for your next visit to the South Carolina Aquarium.

The winning name of the American bald eagle will be announced on an especially meaningful day for both Colbert and the American bald eagle, the Fourth of July, America’s 232nd Birthday.

We wish all parties in this affair the best of luck, and ask only that Mr. Colbert not go all Tek Jansen on his former homies, and in particular that he keep his Flaming Sword of Justice sheathed. God bless him,  God bless our beloved eagle, and God bless the United States America.

Amen.