The bulk of the Southeastern Wildlife Exposition flock descends on the peninsula today, beginning a three-day habitation that will fill hotels, block traffic and make our historic city just a bit more colorful. To help you make the most of this great event, we’ve prepared this weekend field guide to help you identify the various species of SEWE participants. Can you spot all five?
Serious Collectors
Altus ars optimus
Habitat: Upscale neighborhoods in Charlotte, Raleigh, Greenville, Columbia and Atlanta. Can also be spied around country clubs, yachting facilities, expensive restaurants and galas.
Migratory plumage: Males sport blue blazers and khaki slacks for their annual SEWE migration; females are typically more brightly colored, but may molt as many as three times a day, depending on changes in environment and temperature.
Comments: Like many apex predators, Serious Collectors observe their targets with an unhurried air, then descend decisively. Though fearsome, they are surprisingly sensitive to small changes in their environment and may become quickly annoyed.
Big Game Hunters
Bellua interimo
Habitat: Most split time between seasonal urban dens and remote wildernesses in both North America and Africa.
Migratory plumage: Both males and females of this species are khaki-colored, further distinguished by broad-brimmed hats, epaulets, firm jaws and determined, steely gazes.
Comments: Do not show fear in their presence, stay downwind of them whenever possible and never, under any circumstances, offer one a clean shot at you.
Dog People
Canis populus
Habitat: Urban centers, suburbs, rural areas, big cities, small towns, open savannahs, deep woods, coastal plains, foothills, high mountains. Everywhere, basically.
Migratory plumage: Though migratory Dog People resemble native Dog People, experienced SEWE watchers look for these signs: 1. “My Border Collie is Smarter Than Your Honors Student” bumper stickers; 2. “I (heart) My Boykin Spaniel” T-shirts; 3. Typically accompanied by one or more Labrador Retrievers.
Comments: Dog People are the friendliest SEWE species and most seem to interact well with children, but don’t approach them suddenly, as they can become highly protective.
True Sportsmen
Panton interimo piscis
Habitat: Suburbs, small towns and rural areas, typically located within minutes of a shooting range, hunting preserve or fishing area.
Migratory plumage: Camouflage shirts; camouflage pants; camouflage hats; camouflage footwear; camouflage jackets; camouflage vehicles; camouflage lingerie. And black sunglasses. Note: A common subspecies wears only RealTree.
Comments: Organizers have never gotten an accurate count of how many True Sportsmen attend the event because so many are mistaken for foliage.
Interior Decorators
Perficio pingo sollicitus
Habitat: Suburbs and small towns.
Migratory plumage: Though they resemble some common local fauna, Interior Decorators migrate, graze and hunt in packs, occasionally accompanied by Bored Spouses, a symbiont species.
Comments: Interior Decorators are easy to attract. Wander alertly through expo crowds calling out “Oh how fabulous! Oh how fabulous!” or, alternately: “Those colors will go perfectly with your couch!” Alternate your calls to avoid sounding tacky.
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